King of the (smelly) fruits

Walking through the Carrefour (Chinese name Cha-la-fu) we followed our noses to something that smelled absolutely delightful. This was not a durian. Then we caught a whiff of something that would have put a pile of decaying rat feces to shame. We sniffed with caution and followed the trail to a pile indeed. But it was not a pile of rat feces, but durian stacked high in the fruit section. What is a durian you ask? Durian goes by many names. Some call it the ‘king of the fruits.’ Some call it lunch. Some call it disgusting. I’m one of the latter.

Apparently durian is a fruit. Yes a fruit. However, when I think of fruits I think of sweet tasting things that might grow on a tree, such as an apple or an orange…or a banana. Hell, I even think of tomatoes! All these fruits have varying shapes, sizes and demeanors, but none quite have the attitude of a durian. Firstly a durian looks like it should be on the end of a medieval weapon such as a mace or club. And it’s got some weight to it. And it’s pretty damn big; ‘bout the size of a coconut. Trust me; you don’t want to be on the business end of a durian when it falls from a tree. A durian would kick your honor student’s fruit’s ass.

Secondly, there’s the smell. Most fruits have a pleasant aroma. One you might want to bottle and sell at Bath and Body Works in an atomizing spray bottle. Or at the very least you would market it as 99proof and put it in an alcohol. Frankly none of these fragrances or tastes would ever work for a perfume or a liquor. Why because it smells terrible. We took bets on if the cab driver would even let us into the car with the thing in our hands. We decided it would be better to hide it and roll down the windows hoping for the best.

Actually, I’m getting ahead of myself. It was T’andrew’s idea to actually buy the durian, and see if we could palate the strong fruit.

So we made it to the hotel without being kicked out by the cabbie. Then we bargained with the hotel staff to let us take the durian outside to the pool deck to begin the challenge. I think the challenge is obvious at this point. Who can eat the durian? We figured the pool deck would offer an easy to clean surface for removing the smell later. We didn’t want to risk letting some durian juice spill in the carpet of one of our hotel rooms, forever tainting it and the rooms adjacent.

Tan was the only one with previous experience with this monster of a fruit. He is half Malaysian. Apparently his father enjoys the pungent produce. T’andrew opened it up with a bit of brute force and a thick towel by prying apart the bulbous areas. Upon opening, it bared it’s fruit…it looked like a liver. Like a cashew dipped in goo, that solidified on the outer surface. Andrew points, “that’s the part you eat.” We all react in disgust. Andrew breaks it open further, to find that only about 20% of the durian can be eaten. I was dumbfounded. Imagine your apple where the core was everything except for about 2 bites, then you’d get the idea.

Andrew, Shaun and myself all tentatively grabbed small handfuls of the gooey stringy fruit-product from within the protective core. It felt like flesh. It was terrible to smell and terrible to hold. Craig was our cameraman, he wanted nothing to do with the green fruit. And so after holding it, gathering our courage, Andrew tried to do what he couldn’t do in the past, swallow a bite of durian. Quickly, as if racing his gag reflex, he snapped up a bite of durian and chewed until it was acceptable to swallow, and right when he was about to gulp it down…gag! Out it came onto the pool deck…looking equally unappealing.

Then it was Shaun and my turn. We exchanged a glance and took a swig of pijou. We were going to need it. Then in unison we took a bite. Wow…the world of durian that we entered was even worse than the smell. I couldn’t take it an almost immediately gagged it out into one of the buckets we found near the pool. Shaun didn’t last much longer. Some how the durian had deposited it stringy, liver, fruit flesh on my lips and I continued to taste it. I agree with Andrew Zimmer of the food network, it has the taste and texture of rotting onions but I think I could also taste dirty sock. Wow. This was amazing. The kind of amazing you never ever want to experience. Quite frankly, I think the pictures tell the story from here. End result, no one got it down. And you know what, it’s probably for the best.

A very smelly pile

The king of the fruits looking very regal

You eat the ugly, fleshy looking part

Yummy?

Andrew's face says, no

It feels absolutely disgusting

Shaun's trying to keep it down

It's sooooo bad